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do you ever imagine what life would be like if you would have never been born. would your parents have another child? would your best friend be alive or would she have killed herself like she has told you many times? would your sister be the smart one in the family? would your brother be the fat one in the family? would your dad need to hire a nurse or an accountant? would your family be "proud" of your brother or sister? would your mother still be a bitch or would she happy? what would happen to all the people you met and helped over the years? would they still be needing help or would they be dead? what would be if you werent there to have fixed things, or maybe stop things from happening? would people have killed themselves or would people be happy? i honestly think everyone in my life would be happy to never have met me. maybe their life would be less gloomy, having never met me would have made them happy instead of suicidal.

Roller Coaster

why is life so much like a roller coaster. everyone is scared to get on but yet no one ever wants to get off. we scream when we are scared and we close our eyes when we are uncertain of what is coming. yet we throw our hands up in the air when we are enjoying it. we have our ups and we have our downs. sometimes life throws in an unexpected curve and it leaves us suspended in the air upside down all while going so fast we forget to cherish the little moments when life sits still. i do have to admit. life truly is a roller coaster. so get your hulk on and enjoy the ride, there is no getting off now anyway. :)

Lonely

i have been feeling very lonely lately. i feel as though i have no friends; no family; nobody to love me. this is possibly due to the fact that i really do have very few friends and that the few friends i do have are far from me in the literal and figurative sense. but i know i don't have to feel this way. i have the most amazing best friend who i love with all my heart. but is this enough to get me by, is having this one friend's love enough. i have never felt in place, on the contrary i almost always feel out of place. i have never belonged for one reason or another. being gay makes me more of an outcast especially in my family. and even though it is still a secret to most, it keeps me from making friends and being completely myself. i hate having to hide, another reason why i am so lonely. but who else can i trust so much to let them know exactly who i am; including my flaws, imperfections and bad habits. i am glad for those who truly are by my side. i love them all so deeply; but when it comes right down to it i am so alone in this world that when i die, no one will cry at my funeral; no one will visit my grave; no one will remember all the great things i have done. but to end on a silly note... i caught myself talking to myself,, and it was a pretty interesting conversation. lmao thats how lonely i am.