My Mr. Not so Perfect.

there he was. the man my parents dreamed of. smart, rich, hard working , good morals, and same ethnicity as us. it was as if my parents had called a manufacturer and asked for him to be delivered. and of course this meant my parents really tried to get us together. i have to admit the guy wasn't bad looking, he was actually really cute and charming. the only issue was that i was not even remotely attracted him, being that i am gay. well my parents don't know that so all they could think of was pushing me towards him. little did they know this man was not so perfect. he had this great image going on. but when everyone left and it was just us, that was when the real him came to play. he knew what "girls liked" so he tried everything to seduce me. i of course would not give in to his advances. but he would definitely not take no for an answer and if he wasn't going to get what he wanted the easy way he was gonna take it the hard way. in fact it turned him on even more. So by force he took what was mine and made it his. He turned my body into his favorite chew toy and decided he would play with me whenever he wanted, even if this meant during school, on the bus, or while he was driving. He didn’t care if was going to get caught all he cared about was getting what he loved so much and getting out. I tried so hard to get out of his grasp but my parents loved him so much that just mentioning his name granted me permission to go where I “pleased” even if that meant him picking me up with strangers to be with even more strangers. Obviously he ignored I existed until everyone was gone or we were alone in a dark room. He knew my parents loved him and he used this to his advantage. He loved to play with the fact that my parents loved him and that he could take me when he pleased. And when he didn’t want me he disappeared. And not just for a couple of days. He would leave, vanish for months on end. I later learned that these months he wasn’t abusing me he was fucking some other poor girl, or maybe not so poor girl. He told me boldly to my face “I was fucking some chick the other night” as if I wanted to know what disease he was going to give me next. I despised him and I wanted him dead. But I knew that having him around meant my parents were nowhere near suspecting what I was really interested in. except I always wished that somehow this relationship would exist without me having to tear a piece of my soul and dignity and hand it over to him. This relationship however went on for years. He threatened to expose me to the world ( he still doesn’t know that I’m gay). he threatened to prove to the world what a slut I was. What a disgusting sloppy whore I could be. He threatened to let other guys know I was amazing and have them do to me what he enjoyed so many times. This angered me because of course none of it was true, I was not a slut or a sloppy whore who enjoyed to do things to guys that would have them hooked. In reality I was completely pure before meeting him. It was because of him that I was doing what I was doing and not as you might think because I enjoyed it. He didn’t think to let everyone know that he was in fact abusing me not only sexually, but also physically mentally and emotionally. I was a complete wreck over some idiot who stepped into my life pretending to be the “man of my dreams”. Fortunately he ended his game with me without telling too many people of how much he enjoyed me and recommending they try to do the same. He vanished out of my life for a girl. But to my dismay not to long ago he reappeared claiming to be sorry for how he acted and promising me he would never leave me. Little does he know that what I want the most is for him to stay out my life and out of my way because I will surrender to him again I know it. Unwillingly I will become his plaything once more again only to distract my parents. I guess it would have been much easier to just tell my parents how I really feel. This would have at least spared me my virginity and my dignity. But its no use to regret things in life. because no matter how hard you regret it, it will not change, it will not disappear, it will not erase itself. Instead I have to live with the fact that I messed up big time, costing me my virginity, dignity, soul, and health, things that I could probably never get back.

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do you ever imagine what life would be like if you would have never been born. would your parents have another child? would your best friend be alive or would she have killed herself like she has told you many times? would your sister be the smart one in the family? would your brother be the fat one in the family? would your dad need to hire a nurse or an accountant? would your family be "proud" of your brother or sister? would your mother still be a bitch or would she happy? what would happen to all the people you met and helped over the years? would they still be needing help or would they be dead? what would be if you werent there to have fixed things, or maybe stop things from happening? would people have killed themselves or would people be happy? i honestly think everyone in my life would be happy to never have met me. maybe their life would be less gloomy, having never met me would have made them happy instead of suicidal.

Roller Coaster

why is life so much like a roller coaster. everyone is scared to get on but yet no one ever wants to get off. we scream when we are scared and we close our eyes when we are uncertain of what is coming. yet we throw our hands up in the air when we are enjoying it. we have our ups and we have our downs. sometimes life throws in an unexpected curve and it leaves us suspended in the air upside down all while going so fast we forget to cherish the little moments when life sits still. i do have to admit. life truly is a roller coaster. so get your hulk on and enjoy the ride, there is no getting off now anyway. :)

Lonely

i have been feeling very lonely lately. i feel as though i have no friends; no family; nobody to love me. this is possibly due to the fact that i really do have very few friends and that the few friends i do have are far from me in the literal and figurative sense. but i know i don't have to feel this way. i have the most amazing best friend who i love with all my heart. but is this enough to get me by, is having this one friend's love enough. i have never felt in place, on the contrary i almost always feel out of place. i have never belonged for one reason or another. being gay makes me more of an outcast especially in my family. and even though it is still a secret to most, it keeps me from making friends and being completely myself. i hate having to hide, another reason why i am so lonely. but who else can i trust so much to let them know exactly who i am; including my flaws, imperfections and bad habits. i am glad for those who truly are by my side. i love them all so deeply; but when it comes right down to it i am so alone in this world that when i die, no one will cry at my funeral; no one will visit my grave; no one will remember all the great things i have done. but to end on a silly note... i caught myself talking to myself,, and it was a pretty interesting conversation. lmao thats how lonely i am.

Give Kid The World.

If there is a magical place on earth it is definitely Gktw. What an amazing place everything is so magical and innocent brings me back to when i was i kid how i miss those days. All the kids get to forget everything painful of their life and the families get to relax and pretend they live a normal life, no matter how horrible or sad it really is. I am so glad to be part of this experience, there is no greater reward than hearing a family thank you for being there for them. it is simply amazing :)

Ignorance

As if things weren't bad enough, now I have to deal with people around me being all depressed and mopey. I love everyone of my friends and family, but I have my own problems to deal with. I'm working hard for my finals and looking for a job while balancing a schedule for volunteering. Oh who am I kidding. My life is pretty easy and simple. I have nothing to complain about. Well there is one thing. People can be so ignorant. I am pretty helpful and I don't mind helping those who need my help, but I am being treated as though I am some sort of maid. NO! If I'm not getting paid and if I'm not getting volunteer hours then I'm not gonna do it. I NEED a life. Why can't people see that? I am not the normal teen. Instead of going out at night or on the weekends, I go to class and I volunteer. And when I am at home I become my family's maid. I fix appliances, clean the kitchen, tutor my younger brother AND my older sister, and care for my father. I'm starting to get really annoyed with this living situation. I'm starting to get tired of people around me. WHY IS EVERYONE SO IGNORANT?!?!?!?

Materialists

For all those people out there who strive for the nice cars, the big houses, and the flashy jewelry, where do you think all those things will go when your dead? Honestly when your body turns into a pile of dust, will the fancy cars and big houses be in a pile of dust next to you? I mean there is nothing wrong with trying to better yourself, and providing for your family. But when you waste your life working too hard to get things you won't enjoy very long.. where is the satisfaction in that? And when you buy things that you have to borrow money for,, all the bills and the remaining payments are left for your loved ones. Honestly that is no way to live. You need to live each day like it could be your last because no one knows when your last breath could be. Save money for your family and spend the rest off it getting to know the beautiful world we live in and enjoying everyday next to your amazing family.